this is my 1st time writing a blog so i am assuming it will be either too short or to many rambeling, but that is ok. this website for all intesive purposes is a long drawn out suicide note, asxalong with just a place to vent without bothering others. my little chunk of the internet.
i will potentially add more pages and more things but at the moment i dont think i will, what im hoping to achive here is truly just a place where i can say whatever and eventally have it be my only view to the outside worlsd. i also hope to document my life here
i am planning on updating daily until i kill myself so look back and read my retarded rambelings
8/5/2022
maybe my friends are right, maybe i am a horrible sociopath with no empathy and no truth or care for others and that i should just kill myself to protect others from having to deal with me and being bothered by me.
i just dont know, i dont feel like a real person i feel like a fake person, just going about my day trying my best but my best is 30% of what others can do, i should just shut the fuck up and kill myself, i have all i need, a way and all the time in the world
what im planning on doing is 1st taking a bag of pain pills ive collected about a month ago, then taking 120 sleeping pills, and i am pretty sure that niccotine (stuff in cigs) makes you really less likely to feel nausues or vomit so i will have some of that along with stomach pills in hopes i keep most of it down
the sleeping pills are not the strongest nor the best but 120 of them just must work, it cant fail. and along with that ill also be slitting my throat if i feel paranoid that it wont work (tho that feeling really depends) or fuck it maybe ill just slit my throat and wrists, i got time to decide, both would work for the same reason tho, i would do it at 1 or 2 am on a weekend so i wouldnt be found till at the earlist 10am and the latest 2pm. so that would leave a huge window for dying from blood loss or the pills, i would get taken to the docter but by then id be to late to save or just dead (goal)
this plan isnt as good as my last, if im alive when winter comes along ill go with my older plan. that plan was to earn 300+ dollars, more then 300 wouldve been great, and then buy a bus ticket to iowa and go into a spesific forest and just die of hypothermia, the bus ticket was 50 dollars and the rest was for cabs and other basic things. this plan was amasing but i just couldnt do it. i planned for weeks and was to much of a pussy to do it, but dispite this plan being total shit compared to my last one it will still probably work just not as well as i wouldve hoped ( i like grand things, most of the reason i made this website )
8/5/2022
if i was really suicidal i wouldve done it by now, everyone i know thinks that and knows it as true and ignores the fact that i have tried. its hard to figure out a easy cheap way while having it Still be deadly, im thinking of mixing bleech and ammonia because i have doubts about pills and cutting, but those are the same doubts, that i wont die ill just end up a vegetable
i have thought about going to a mental hospital for a week or so, but i just cant decide, i dont know if its worth it and I don't want to waste others time or embarass myself. i wish i could die easily and simply, just go to sleep and never wake up. i pray daily that i dont wake up before i sleep. i just can't take it i cant keep doing it its too much, to much stress to much feelings i just want to feel nothing i wanna feel better. but i cant do that so i should just fucking kill myself and put me out of my misery because i see myself as a sick dog, that can't be helped, call it "learned helplessness" all you want. i cannot get better so i shouldnt go to a mental hospital, its a waste i should just kill myself
i just am to apprehensive about it, i need to decide when and how im leaning to slitting my throat but im not sure if it will work, i want it to i really do. but i dont know if i can i have the razors i have the neck i just need to not pussy out and do it. its so easy i just need to do it, i desperately want to but just cant, and i also cant go to a mental hospital without hurting myself more. i am out of options i feel
i hate this i hate everything i write here
10/5/2022
sorry for not updating, i havnt been busy just tired, will update soon
13/5/2022
i hope to soon kill myself, my plan is pretty much ready. but i just feel bad even tho i know nobody would care, i feel guilty and bad i dont want to hurt anyone i judt want to not be suffering. its too much to handle to get better getting better is hard and impossible for me
ive started hearing things more often, buzzing noises, and a random almost hollow sound, not sure if id call it a auditory hallucination but it definitely isnt real sounds, also at times a technical buzz not an animal buzz. more often now im also seeing things, black shadow people, randomly. i dont see them as real but i still see them, dispite technically fitting into the definition of hallucination i wouldn't call it that, not sure what id call it.
these are getting shorter just because im too tired to type, i will try to update tho
14/5/2022
this isnt an update moreso an announcement
do not use what i say against me or mock me for it if you know who i am
15/5/2022
i cant be honest here anymore, i dont know what to do i dont know. this is ruined and nothing can fix this. i cant say what i want anymore. i cant express how i feel.
15/5/2022
ive been ruined, i cannot be a full person anymore, she took and took until there was nothing more to take, she ruined me. and i dont even hate her for it i dont hate her i still love her. but i feel like it just wasnt enough to be real, it wasnt enough to be real it wasnt real abuse because others have been thru worse. i wish i could be normal, have had a normal childhood, have normal memories. i am ruined.
17/5/2022
i feel so guilty for being such a violent person, it was better when i was only violent in the privacy of my own room, but recently ive just been more emotional more violent. last night i bashed the headrest of her seat while she was in a store getting something, and once she came back i got so upset i hit the back of her seat as hard as possible. it didnt hurt only because of the headrest
i feel like i belong in a mental hospital, emotions Changing from very upset to either paranoid or angry. i dont want to be a bad person, i want to go to a mental hospital to protect others from me
20/5/2022
got put in a hospital for a couple hours, probably wont update as much if any but ill try to update either when i get the chance or if anything big happens, im ok, everything is ok. just wanted to give an update
23/5/2022
i feel like everyome around me is trying to keep me paranoid, theyre trying to make sure i stay stuck. if i ask them for advice they dont care they just say the same cpoied statments about how things are and how they will improve and that "it will get better" when they seem to not understand that beter isnt good enough, i dont want to be better i want to be normal, i want to be like it never happended like she never existed like i never felt this way
ifeel unsafe posting about certain things here and hat ruined this website. no free thoughts because people are waiting and watching (you know who) for me to slip up and say something wrong so i cant say anything at all. i cant make statments or say how i truly feel here anymore and it makes me upset. "if youre a danger to yourself" i cant post any thoughts. i cant even say certain words anymore because if i do it will tip them off so i am limited in even the words i say.
i hate how short and small every update on my website is
4/6/2022
for alittle background knolage, she (see update from 17/5/2022) has a bible thats hard cover, with faded red on the edges of the pages, and was i think gifted to her by the chruch she went to or someone in the curch, i cant tell. and she always kept it in a distinct quilted white and yellow bible cover with handels, and she told me to never look in it, i always assumed that it was just sentimental, and she didnt want a small child ruining it and id even forgotten about it for many years, but tonight i decided to look in it, just to feel connected to her without being with her again, it smells like her in the perfect comforting way. it lead to some level of catharsis, maybe alittle bit of forgivness, i found a couple flyers and papers she kept, but some other instresing things, like an email from someone she knew, its a university email that i wont list here for privacy reasons, nor will i email it. at least not now. and two written quotes, and three bookmarked pages. im not sure what type of bible this is, it has both the old and new testament, pages for family tree, marragies, deaths, births, she got it in 1986 so if i wanted to i could probably find the exsact copy online but it dosent matter. im also unsure of what the quotes or bookmarked pages mean, or how i feel about this or just her. but ill post it anyways
"now you are the body of christ and individually memdbers of it 1 corinthians 12:27 "and peter said to them, 'repent and be baptized, every one of jesus christ for the forgiveness of your sins'" acts 2:38 i dont know what part of the page was meant to be bookmarked so ill just give the whole page. psalms 20 to 24, ecclesiastes 12 to song of solomon 3, and matthew 6 to matthew 8.